Today marks seven years from when my brother, Landon, decided to end his suffering and move on into the ethers. I understand why he left. That seemed to be the only thing I could understand. I know that pain can stem from such deep, dark places that the only glimmer of hope is the light at the end of the tunnel. The only prayers left to speak are those asking for God to take you in his arms, to hold you and never let go.
What I didn’t understand is why he had to take so much of me with him. When he left, he took with him a piece of my soul. The piece that told the story of my identity, my worth, my value and my ability to create my life as I please. Without this fundamental piece that told me who I am, I became very lost.
Anger, doubt, guilt, fear, sadness, blame, uncertainty, and depression consumed me. Without any understanding of how to process these emotions they became my new compass. My understanding of myself took a deep-dive into darkness. To bring understanding, I created stories about what it all meant. I should have loved him more to keep him here. If he can’t be happy, I don’t deserve to be happy. Without him to tell me he is proud of my accomplishments, there are no accomplishments. I should have been able to save him. Loving someone must mean they will die and they will take so much of me with them, there will be nothing left. My only connection left to Landon was in the shadows of mutual pain and suffering.
Left with a hole in my soul and a deep need to stay connected to my brother, I constructed this pain and suffering everywhere. Confirmation that I didn’t deserve to be happy filled every nook and cranny of my life. I found myself without reason to live. I was ready to join my brother when a young man found me and pulled me from my watery grave.
I saw this man as my savior, here to help navigate the shadows. Unfortunately, he wasn’t there to pull me from my darkness, but join me in it. Our joint suffering took us took a place so dark, the only other side was light.
I have spent the last seven years searching. Seeking out the lost piece of my soul in darkness and now in light. It has been a complete undoing of everything I thought I knew. All my belief systems have been dismantled and over the last three years I have cultivated the tools to put myself back together. I have found my inner light, my inner knowing and a deep love for myself. I am surrounded by miracles every day as I watch the beauty of my life unfold. I continue to feel, I continue to move through fear and I continue to make it out on the other side, where I thrive.
I pray for those that live in suffering and pain. I pray that the light will soon find them. I pray that the deepest parts of them that still know love may shine forth and break free from the barriers that hold them captive. I pray they may give themselves permission to feel. I pray they may give themselves permission to allow the possibility for more. Allow the possibility that life may be beautiful for them again. May this possibility become a thought, until it becomes a feeling, until it becomes a knowing for it has become reality.
We frame the walls in which we live with possibility, with thoughts, with belief and then with knowing.
Pain and suffering become our reality when we allow the possibility of their existence. Know that you may allow the possibility there is light in the world. Allow the possibility this moment is the beginning of something incredible about to unfold. Allow the possibility that every cell in your being is made of divine love. Allow the possibility of healing and complete freedom. It’s yours. I know it to be true, because on this day, seven years later, through grace I am healed and I am free.
I now connect with my brother in the light. I remember our happy times together as kids and adolescents. I reflect on all that he gave me. I have found the missing piece of my soul and share it with him so he may know, he did not die in vain. Our suffering has ended and I embrace each moment with the possibility it may be the best yet to come.