When my brother died by suicide 8 years ago, it felt as though the pain and sadness would never end. I envisioned myself crying into a bucket and I believed that once the bucket was full of my tears, I could finally be done crying and it would finally be okay. Unfortunately, the bucket had a hole in it. No matter how many tears I cried, it was never enough. My focus for many of those 8 years was to just keep crying. When crying was too unbearable, I moved into depression as a way to numb and take respite from the sadness. Through all my tears it never occurred to me that perhaps there was a way to plug the bucket, so all the tears I cried would be enough.
Often in the midst of our own drama, we limit our vision. We aren’t able to see everything that is available to us and that solutions are right in front of our eyes. Because the solutions feel so far away, we avoid or justify not being present with our wounding.
Just a few days ago, I was triggered by something very minor. I was very aware that I was being triggered and that it wasn’t about the other person. So I sat with it. I won’t go into the heart-wrenching details, but a super old trauma from when I was 4 and 5 surfaced. It was one that had been so deeply suppressed I didn’t remember most of what had happened, nor did I have an emotional response to revisiting it.
I brought my 4 year old self forward and asked her what she needed. She wanted to tell me everything that had happened and for me to know how much she had been hurting. The event then washed over me as though it was happening in that moment. It was horrific to say the least. I had never felt so vile and so disgusted by being in my body. I sobbed for hours. Then I told myself it was done.
Over the next few days I was super raw, emotional and needy. The trauma was just beneath the surface of my day to day experience and I was projecting like crazy.
Triggers and projections are always communication that there is something unhealed within us, that is ready to come forward.
I knew I needed more than just the full knowledge of the experience. I needed to actually move through it. I finally accepted that it was time and set the intention to fully move through it. I created sacred space and called in my Spirit Guides and Angels to be present with me. I called in my 4 year old self and I allowed the trauma to once again come to the surface.
For me, healing means I have answers to the following:
- Why the event took place (what was happening energetically to both parties)
- How this event was designed FOR me
- How this event has shaped my life
- What wisdom I can gain from the event
- How I can move into gratitude.
At this point, there isn’t an exact formula that can be applied. Moving through trauma is different for everyone. It all comes down to inquiry and setting yourself up for success. I recommend using the following framework:
- Acknowledge that you are being triggered, that it’s about you and not someone else
- Dedicate time to be with the trigger: schedule it in ASAP
- Create Sacred Space: light a candle, use sage, take grounding breaths
- Call in Support: Invite your Spirit Guides, your Higher Self and your wounded self to be present
- Set an intention: What do you want to accomplish? How much healing are you ready to move through?
- Identify the underlying event being triggered: What is my trigger trying to communicate with me? What piece inside me is unhealed and ready to come forward? Where does this stem from?
- Bring up a picture in your mind of you and your relationship with the event. Begin asking questions to fulfill your intention. What did I need in that moment? Give it to yourself. What questions do I want to ask of the other person involved? Allow the answers to come forward. Why did this happen? How did this benefit me?
You will know you have arrived at your healing destination when you are ready to move into gratitude. This may take multiple times being with the incident as you allow the information to integrate, so that more answers may come forward.
I worked with my wounded 4 year old self, my Higher Self and my Guides within a visualization to show me the answers to all of my questions. As I completed my process, I experienced great clarity, energetic openness and a grounded sense of safety within my body. It's been a big, beautiful shift in my life that has opened me up to being a more present Wife and Mother.
Know that this is big, important work. The more you resist something, the more it will persist. It does not go away until it has been seen, heard and loved. I invite you to bring your awareness around your triggers and projections. Allow them to communicate with you and see what else is available to you!
You are not alone in this process. If you would like guidance moving through your healing, please reach out to me!