“Only time will tell,” has never rang more true for me than now. It was two years ago today, I received news of the tragic passing of a dear friend; a man I was once married to. I loved him deeply, with as much capacity as I was able to at the time and even more so now. He inspired me on so many levels. He was intensely creative and intellectual. We would spend hours having existential conversations and writing music and poetry together.
We met through grief and loss, which overshadowed our relationship. We both lost a sibling to suicide and neither of us were equipped with the knowledge and tools to move through our despair. We felt misplaced and terribly alone.
We expected the other person could fill the hole in our hearts left by those we lost.
In times of darkness, we projected our pain onto one another, saying horrible things, calling each other terrible names. He escaped his pain through alcoholism; there was a rarely a time he was sober. I avoided mine through depression and separation from reality. I quickly became consumed by this darkness and lost my desire to live.
One particularly drunken night, the emotional attacks became physical. After great destruction and verbal abuse, threats turned into reality as he wrapped his hands around my neck and tried to end my life.
In that moment, a switch flipped inside me. Through his pain, I was able to find the deepest parts of me still wanted to live. I wasn’t willing to go without a fight.
It was his attempt to kill me that kept me alive.
I didn’t see the beauty in his actions until now, as I was willing to fully be with the experience. For years, I have felt so much guilt and shame about being in this relationship that I didn’t allow myself to move through it. I stayed stuck with it, letting the undealt with emotions carry forward into my relationship today. Every year, the anniversary of his death has brought up the opportunity to see the truth in the situation and this year I finally accepted. He wasn’t willing to feel his pain and projected it onto me. In my own willingness to move through my pain, I protect others from this same projection.
This epiphany has been a catalyst of transformation for my heart. It was in that very moment, my entire life shifted toward my journey of finding how to love myself again.
There is something about finding the beauty in a terrible situation that transforms the entire vibration of it.
When we see the silver lining and feel the compassion to shift into unconditional love, the entire experience transcends.
When times feel unbearable, be with it. Be willing to feel everything that surfaces. Allow it to move through you. Life’s divine beauty unfolds in the moments we transcend hell.
When you are given the opportunity to be reminded of your inner power, take it!
Know that you have the ability to transcend every moment and shape your reality.
When I think of him now, it is with great compassion and profound sadness. Through his pain, I was able to find the light on this side of heaven. I am saddened that taking his life was the only way he knew to find the light. Peace is in knowing he basks in it now.